I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
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My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
me
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]