Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
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It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
🤣🤣
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.