Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
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Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Warm pools make me nervous.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear