Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
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Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
😅😅😅
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you