Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
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I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.