If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
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I think my mom just blocked me
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH