a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
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Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….