I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
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I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.