Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
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duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Breaking news:
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope