how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
You Might Also Like
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Confused owl: What?!
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.