*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
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My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.