If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
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Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
But I really needed water water water
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
From my Mom