ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
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Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Me: don鈥檛 you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it鈥檚 a bad thing
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Don鈥檛 have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger鈥檚 car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Things I鈥檝e learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo鈥檚.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I鈥檓 still awake because my brain can鈥檛 locate my sleep file, babe
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they鈥檙e playing Jenga.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Lmaooo she has seen it all馃槶馃槶馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let鈥檚 summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I鈥檓 trying to sleep in.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don鈥檛 mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
My 11yo said if it wasn鈥檛 for him I wouldn鈥檛 have a twitter account, and I鈥檓 just glad he鈥檚 finally taking some responsibility.