“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
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Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I need better friends
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.