Smells like a challenge to me
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I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Breaking news:
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.