Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
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I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*