Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
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I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Finally, an explanation.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
“i miss shittin on people”
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I would like even faster food.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.