Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
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I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them