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When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
technically true but not a great slogan
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
it be like that
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine