The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
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If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Bringing home a sharpie
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!