If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
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Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music