Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
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One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
This is a true ally.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Had to try this trend 😊
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE