[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
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Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay