[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
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German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything