Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
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Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Where is your GOD now????
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I’d hang this in my house.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
is this meant to deter me
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that