me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
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[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
i actually laughed 😩
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*