“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
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Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?