If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
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[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
We avoided this particular disaster
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.