Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
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Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Get in loser we’re going crying
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.