My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
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I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
WTF IS THAT!
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey