I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
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any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.