people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
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me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.