Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
You Might Also Like
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
watergate? u mean a dam??
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.