Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
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Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Not today, today.
Not today.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy