[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
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You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
live long and prosper!
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
they really do be looking like this
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.