[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
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Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.