Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
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Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
pep talk
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Brands during Pride