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“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I wish this was real life…
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Oh deer
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory