I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
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Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!