my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
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I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.