This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
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Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.