Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
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My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.