My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
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Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Don’t talk down to me
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Name this drama.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies