Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
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coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer