Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
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In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”