What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire