Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
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Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.