{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
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I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
“The Perfect Relationship”
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
🤣🤣
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple