when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
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I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies