[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Blew out my flip flop…
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*